Let Them Eat Toastby Thomas Macklin on 05/23/10
The new toaster's here! The new toaster's here!
And what a toaster it is. It's not just your ordinary toaster. No, not for this household. The folks at Oster have guaranteed me "excellent toast the first time, every time with advanced Toaster Technology.
That's right. I have advanced Toaster Technology in my humble abode.
Sure, these scientists could have been working on a cure for cancer, or finding ways to clean up oil spills in the Gulf, but no, they have spent their years of combined upper degree education on following through my lifelong dream of the perfect piece of toast.
And this toaster is not just for toast. Aux contraire. I have buttons on my toaster that allow me to toast bagels, frozen stuff, and if I just want to warm-up a piece of something without toasting it, I can do that, too.
Is this a great country or what? No wonder we have to watch out for those illegal aliens sneaking across the Arizona border. It's not just that America is the land of opportunity. No, it's that land of advanced Toaster Technology, too! Build that wall, darn it!
Did I mention the seven shades of toasting that I have to choose from? Or the cancel button- just in case I'm half-way thought toasting and then remember, "Wait! I don't want toast. I want an Eggo."
Throw in the dual auto-adjusting bread guides, the removable crumb tray, and anti-jamming feature (not to mention the durable brushed stainless steel and silver exterior) and I have set the bar in my neighborhood as the Supreme Ruler and King of the Toaster.
Subjects wishing for an audience should make an appointment.